Please look at my Stanford Supplement Essay--The prompt is to describe an intellectual experience (epiphany)?
Thank you for your comments “Which of the following is recyclable, hazardous, or waste?†I write this question on a UNO chemistry room chalkboard and turn to face my Aim for the Stars science class of sixteen middle school students. “Styrofoam?†I ask, hoping someone had listened during our field trip that morning. Jacob excitedly raises his hand. I hear this reassuring response—“It’s recyclable, but we can’t recycle that here can we?†I ask, “Where can we recycle Styrofoam?†“At the recycling center we just visited!†I nod and continue to list substances from antifreeze to wax, unaware of the venues of education I would experience that summer. Two weeks of preparing, 24 flight hours, and four days up Mt. Kilimanjaro later, I step into a dimly lit tent. I greet my guide Frank, and fill a tin cup with hot water. I stir the peppermint in, reminiscing back to Omaha and my students. We both sip in silence for a while, until Frank stands up. “What is education like in America?†I tell Frank of my school, my interest in the sciences, and of the students I taught and learned from. “Hmm,†Frank grins, “do you like biology?†“It’s definitely my favorite, Frank.†Frank ponders aloud “Ok, there’s a famous gland in your abdomen.†He gestures frantically “It’s like…you see a lion then jump over a huge brick wall!†“The adrenal gland!†We are exhilarated at this sudden mutual understanding, a barrier broken between two different worlds. A grin of reassurance would illuminate his face every time I’d answer some of his enlightening trivia. By the end of the evening we were full of more thought than of the food sitting before us. Bidding Frank goodnight, I walked out of the tent beneath the starlit sky and realized—from teaching kids in Omaha to learning from Tanzania—knowledge is most powerful when shared.
Psychology - 1 Answers
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Honestly - there is A LOT going on in what's really a pretty short essay. I think you're trying to do too much. You move from a classroom, then suddenly you're in Africa, then you're talking to Frank about... I don't even know what. Then suddenly you've learned an important lesson. I guess I don't get the connection between the classroom and Tanzania. I know the connection is knowledge and sharing, but I don't think that's enough or maybe clear enough. I've gone back and read it a few times now, and the more I read it the more I understand it. The problem, though, is that Stanford will only read it once, and they will read it quickly. When I read it quickly the first time I didn't get it. Maybe slow it down a bit. Add a paragraph? Add more transitions? Clarify some things? Take some stuff out? I think the point you're trying to make is good, and you're writing is pretty good... it's... I don't know... things like Frank standing up to ask his question. Why wouldn't he just ask it sitting down? Why can't he just ask period, without saying he stood up to do it? Too many unnecessary little details I think make it harder to understand the point. OK I think you get what I'm saying. I hope it helps and good luck to you.
Title : Please look at my Stanford Supplement Essay--The prompt is to describe an intellectual experience (epiphany)
Description : Please look at my Stanford Supplement Essay--The prompt is to describe an intellectual experience (epiphany)? Thank you for your comments â...